Checklists seem able to defend anyone, even the experienced against failure in many more tasks than we realized. They provide a kind of cognitive net. They catch mental flaws inherent in all of us-flaws of memory, attention and thoroughness.”
Excerpt from the Book
It’s been more than two years since I started making a to-do list every day. And I am still doing it. It not only helped me plan my day but also made me efficient. The question here is whether a simple to-do list would be really helpful in getting things right. The book I am going to discuss says so. In fact, I was a little skeptical, thinking that it’s more than obvious that a to-do list works; why would someone write a book on it? But this book really makes sense by taking the reader through the evolution of checklists.
To err is to be human. We have all heard this multiple times. In fact, it has been estimated that one of the greatest contributors to accidents is human error in any industry. Perrow found that, on average, 60–80 percent of accidents involve human error. Errors in some fields can be overlooked but not every profession can take the risk of even making a tiny error or overlooking the smallest step. Because a small error in the medical field will cost someone their life. In today’s newspaper, I saw this story where a woman was given blood from the wrong group, leading to the deterioration of her health. How grave is this error? There can never be any justification for it. A small error led to the failure of India’s Chandrayan-2 mission, as we all remember.
Do we know how we can make things right? Do we have the capability and capacity to make things right all the time? How do we deal with extreme complexity of the modern world? Why do we make small errors, and how can we avoid them? Is it possible to be 100% accurate?
Atul Gwanade, a professor of surgery at Harvard Medical School, suggests in his book titled ‘The Checklist Manifesto’ the simplest solution anyone can think of. A checklist can help us manage the extreme complexity of the modern world. A detailed checklist acts as protection against the failure of the human mind, memory, and attention. It increases the success rate. According to him, failure results not so much from ignorance (not knowing enough about what works) as from ineptitude (not properly applying what we know works). That’s where a simple checklist comes into picture.
So, the important question we need to ask here is : why should a common person be aware of this method of checklist? It’s because this is not only useful in the medical field but also in other activities that are sometimes mundane and repetitive but also crucial not to be overlooked. The author provides examples of checklist successes in other diverse fields, such as aviation, investment banking, skyscraper construction, and businesses of all kinds.
The author differentiates between good and bad checklists too.
The author mentions three characteristics that are part of the code of conduct of any profession, the expectation of selflessness, skill and trust-worthiness along with discipline. Discipline is the hardest to develop because human beings are by nature flawed and inconstant creatures. And checklists can help inculcating discipline in the people, adds Gawande.
In the end, he also urges the users to keep refining these checklists to make them work as per changing circumstances and time.
In an age of unremitting technological complexity, where the most basic steps are too easy to overlook and where overlooking even one step can have irremediable consequences, something as primitive as writing down a to-do list to “get the stupid stuff right” can make a profound difference.
Do you create a checklist for anything in your personal or professional life? If yes, do let me know in the comment box. Also, if you liked reading this post and gained something from it, please buy me a coffee by clicking the link below:
How people’s innocent and careless statements or compliments actually have a huge influence on them. Sometimes it makes someone’s day. Other days, people feel miserable for months because of someone’s insensitive remarks. I remember this incident when one of my bosses told me that he doesn’t believe in working from home (WFH). He added that people don’t work when they are working from home. He said this in a lighter tone and with confidence as if his statement had no meaning or weight. However, he didn’t realise how much weight his every statement has on people working under him because of his power and position. By saying what he said, he invalidated all the work done by people from home.
The book “You have more influence than you think: How we underestimate our power of persuasion and why it matters” by Vanessa Bohns provides science-based strategies for observing the effect we have on others, reconsidering our fear of rejection, and understanding how we can use our influence. Vanessa is a professor of organizational behaviour at Cornell University.
The book talks about the idea of influence and persuasion and explains how the meaning of your words changes based on the context and power you hold in society. Have you ever noticed why an insensitive remark by a politician or leader creates so much furor? Because she or he holds more power than the common people in the country.
Influences have come to us from various directions and people. Our parents. Family. The schools we go to. The neighbors we have. The colleagues and friends we hang out with. The communities we are part of. The kind of books and newspapers we read and movies we watch. On similar lines, our actions, words, and many other things what we do, have a huge influence on other people. You don’t persuade people only when you are speaking to them or giving them some advice. You influence them through your actions, the kind of work you do, the clothes you wear, and the posts you share online, according to Vanessa in the book. However, since we lack awareness, we don’t understand the power of our influence.
However, many times we underestimate the power of our influence because people admire and follow you secretly rather than coming and telling you that they got influenced by you. They adopted something that you were doing. According to the author, the solution to this is to understand and get better at seeing, feeling, and experiencing our influence over others through better listening, putting yourself in someone else’s shoes, adopting a third party perspective, and becoming a more effective questioner.
The most fascinating chapter in the book is about why it’s so hard to say no. Because deep down, we all want to be good to people. We want to avoid any kind of awkwardness. People feel good when they help others. However, as the author mentions, I agree with her that this awkwardness of saying no also leads to a lot of problems, such as the spread of misinformation and fake news, women agreeing to things that they don’t want to do, leading to sexual misconduct and rape.
I found the book quite fascinating because of the way the author has explained all the concepts with some examples. The book also answers those questions that make you overthink sometimes. Anyone who wants to improve their persuasion and leadership skills must read this book. People who are in leadership and managerial positions must read this book. Also, if you ever felt invisible or inarticulate, you must read this book because the chances are that you are not what you think. People see you and hear you!
Some insightful nuggets from the book are given below:
You are not as invisible as you think.
People do observe us-more than we realise.
People tend to like others with similar views.
Saying is believing effect.
We copy what we see.
People are persuaded by people they like.
People are cognitive misers.
We are inclined to believe what people tell us.
People shout when they think someone is not listening.
People do all sorts of things to avoid embarrassment.
A powerful person’s whisper sounds more like a shout.
Most people do care about other people-more than we tend to give them credit for.
The way to reach all of your goals is simply to ask.
If you liked reading this post and gained something from it, please buy me a coffee by clicking the link below:
“It is even more liberating to reflect that everyone else is in the same boat, whether they are aware of it or not”
‘Jitna bhi try kar lo Bunny life me kuch na kuch to chutega hi. Toh jahan hai wahi ka maja lete hain‘ says Deepika Padukone in a dialogue from the movie #YJHD. That’s the crux of this book, ‘Four Thousand Weeks: Time Management For Mortals’ by Oliver Burkeman. The book starts with a very practical statement: In the long run, we’re all dead, which might feel offensive to many people. However, that’s the harsh truth of life. Being alive is just a matter of chance, and nothing is guaranteed.
In fact, the author emphasizes that we have more or less four to five thousand weeks depending upon our health. We must live this finite life recognizing its frailty. We don’t need to rush because we can’t do and should not try to do everything. There is more to life than ticking all the boxes. You are this infinitesimal part of the universe that no one even cares about.
Life on a conveyor belt
Remember the childhood days when we were told that if you finish nursery, grade 1, 2…10th, 12th, graduation and post graduation, you will be in control of your life. The moment you complete these goals, the goal post changes. Now they will tell you to get married, have kids, build a house and buy a car. Things will be sorted for you in life. After that, there will be other experiences or goals to pursue. This was a never ending list. Wow. We also heard them. We followed this path without questioning our parents and guardians. We were running behind something which was never attainable.
Productivity is a trap
One of the most striking lines in the book is that ‘nobody in the history of humanity has ever achieved work-life balance’.The day will never arrive when you have everything in control. We live in the world of ‘existential overwhelm’ because the more we try to cover things, additional wonderful experiences will crop up for us to cover. The more efficient we become, the more people will expect of us.
New technologies and machines never reduced the workload as someone rightly said, work expands so as to fill the time available for its completion. As per the research findings, it was found that when housewives first got access to labour saving devices like washing machines & vacuum cleaners, the society’s standards of cleanliness simply rose.
Distracted from distraction by distraction
Come to the real world of social media and distraction. According to the author, we don’t desire to take ownership of our lives and that is why we happily get swayed by social media. We want to numb ourselves emotionally by keeping ourselves busy and occupied. We have become impatient these days. Our attention span has decreased. It isn’t just because we don’t have time that we can’t focus on one thing. We ourselves want to be distracted so that we don’t think about those things that we cared about the most. All new devices and social media have distracted us from important matters. It has made us care about trivial things.
Oliver Burkeman also talks about how social media has made us angry, less empathic, anxious or numb. The biggest problem and most discomforting thing about it is that we don’t want to face the reality of life and that’s why we choose to be away from it.
Everything has become instrumental
The most striking thing about today’s life is that everything has become so instrumental. And that’s the lament. We are doing everything to reach somewhere, achieve something and prepare for the future. Last month, my friends and I started a community meet-up at my house. Many people asked what you will achieve from it? What tangible results will you get? I seriously don’t know. I don’t expect to achieve anything by doing this. I just would like to listen to people’s stories. It’s like your hobbies should also become businesses. No one wants to relax. No one wants to chill for a while. In fact, spending time on vacation and having leisure has been commercialised. It has become a chore. It’s like you relax to work in the future. Even relationships with time have become instrumental.
The universe doesn’t care about you
The reality is that the universe is totally indifferent to you and whatever is happening in your life. The moment you understand this, the burden you carry reduces. Not only the universe but also no one really cares about what we do with our lives except us. Rather than focusing on doing everything and trying to become this optimized, infinitely capable, emotionally invincible person, we need to focus on what’s possible in our short life span on this earth.
The most effective way to escape this constant race is to stop expecting things differently as the author points out in the book. Face the unpleasantness of this finite life. The more you try to control things, the more they slip through the cracks. You can’t control it and do everything. I know it’s easy to say, but difficult to implement. It is what it is. Don’t use the time, let time pass on you. The fact that you lack control, power, and the desire to get instant relief from all kinds of discomfort is something that you should accept. You trust the idea of patience. According to the author, there are three principles of patience. The first is to acknowledge the fact that life is a journey of navigating from one problem to another. The second principle is to embrace incrementalism. It’s like building a habit or making changes every day and waiting for it to turn into something better after a point of time. And the third principle is about doing something you like every single day without getting any validation and recognition. Just keep doing it.
What can you do to face the finitude of this life, according to the author?
Have patience
Keep a done list
Decide in advance what to fail at
Maintain boundaries everywhere
Minimize your usage of social media
Make your mundane activities interesting
Be curious about your relationships
Cultivate instantaneous generosity
Practice doing nothing and sitting in idleness
Consolidate what you care about
If you liked reading this post, please buy me a coffee.
“Progress is impossible without change and those who can not change their minds can not change anything”- George Bernard Shaw
Have you ever wondered why some of the most successful companies were later phased out of the market? BlackBerry and Kodak are two such companies that failed to rethink their strategies. The only reason was that the leadership at these companies could not innovate and change themselves in a rapidly changing world. Why did these leaders and people fail to re-think? Because leaders of these companies were trapped in the ‘overconfidence cycle’ where they were fuelled by pride, conviction, validation, and confirmation bias. However, some companies adopted the idea of rethinking and later became market leaders. These companies’ leaders were guided by intellectual humility, doubt, curiosity, and discovery. Apple is one such example that focuses on rethinking the cycle. Rethinking is a skill set and also a mindset. Rethinking encourages us to let go of knowledge and opinions that are no longer serving us well. Flexibility rather than consistency should drive one’s sense of self.
This book, ‘Think Again: The Power of Knowing That You Don’t Know‘ by Adam Grant is one of the most powerful books I have ever read. The book makes you rethink on an individual level, interpersonal level, and collective level. This book has the essence of ‘Predictably Irrational: The Hidden Forces That Shape Our Decisions‘ another powerful book written by Dan Ariely who argues that human beings are irrational beings and mental misers. Their minds cannot cope with the complexity of the world. We want a predictable world and cling to our identities.
The book is neatly divided into three parts. The first part focuses on individual rethinking. The second part talks about interpersonal rethinking and the third part discusses collective rethinking.
The author talks about updating one’s own views under individual rethinking. We listen to views that make us feel good, instead of ideas that make us think hard. As people when we think and talk, we adopt the mindsets of three different professionals: Preachers, Prosecutors, and Politicians. Preachers and Prosecutors already think they are right and try to give sermons/ arguments to prove their points. Politicians say what the audience wants to hear. They lobby and campaign to gather support for their ideas. Adam urges us to ‘think like a scientist’ and have an open mind.
Harnessing the benefits of doubt and embracing the joy of being wrong and dealing with armchair quarterback syndrome/imposter syndrome can help in calibrating one’s confidence. In many cases, people are suffering from the Dunning-Kruger Effect. They have been overconfident when they lack competence in their life. Confidence, competence, and humility are some of the things to be inculcated to lead a happy and successful life.
Adam believes confident humility is the key. It means having faith in our capability while appreciating that we may not have the right solution or even address the right problem. One of the most intriguing concepts the author talks about is that one miniature dictator lives inside our heads. It protects our self-image by feeding us comforting lies and acts as a hindrance in the process of rethinking. Self-identity should be defined in terms of values and not opinions.
Engage with people and groups whose ideas differ from yours. Everyone knows more than you about something. The author encourages us to learn something new from each person we meet. We need to build a challenge network along with a support network. The challenge network will help in providing regular feedback and push for change. Dealing with conflict is necessary either in the workplace or in personal life. All problems are interpersonal relationship problems, mentioned in another book named ‘The Courage To Be Disliked’. Adam talks about two types of conflict: relationship conflict and task conflict. According to the author, it’s better to have a relationship conflict rather than a task conflict. Relationship conflict is unproductive for performance but task conflict leads to higher creativity and smarter choices.
Interpersonal rethinking focuses on changing other people’s behavior by asking questions and actively listening. According to the author, people should take the collaborative approach rather than the adversarial approach while persuading people in an argument. Adam mentions the concept of motivational interviewing which helps people to change their behavior and also leads them to self-discovery. Motivational interviewing involves three key techniques: asking open-ended questions, engaging in reflective listening, and affirming the person’s desire and ability to transform. Betty Bigombe’s successful effort in bringing Joseph Kony, head of the Lord’s Resistance Army in Uganda, to the conversation table is one of the finest examples of the art of influential listening.
Collective rethinking focuses on creating communities of lifelong learners and targets to change in society at a collective level. And it is possible when things are not seen through a binary lens. Things are not black and white always. Things are grey. Things are complex and people contain multitudes.Nuance is the key. As the author states it takes a variety of views to help people realise that they too contain multitudes.
Rethinking can happen in a learning culture whether it’s in a school, a workplace, a community, or in a relationship. In a learning culture, students are taught to question knowledge. Children need to understand the concept of revising their work multiple times and taking feedback from people. And most importantly people should stop asking kids what they want to be when they grow up. One identity does not define the person. Every kid needs to explore multiple possibilities to flourish in their life. Learning cultures at workplaces display psychological safety under which a climate of respect, trust, and openness is developed. In this culture, people can raise concerns and suggestions without fear of reprisal.
Passions can be developed. We can rethink our careers again. The author has a very insightful perspective on happiness. According to the author, when people chase happiness, they become less happy in their lives. In fact, evidence suggests that putting a lot of importance on happiness leads to depression. According to the author, three factors ruin happiness. We start evaluating life instead of enjoying every moment. We spend too much time striving for peak happiness as opposed to focusing on the frequency of positive emotions. We also focus more on pleasure than the purpose of the activity. According to the author, the Eastern conception of happiness leads to better well-being than the Western conception of happiness. Eastern cultures prioritize social engagement over independent activities. As the author very rightly states ‘our happiness often depends more on what we do than where we are. It’s our actions-not the surroundings that bring us meaning and belonging’.
“If you don’t look back at yourself and think, ‘wow, how stupid I was a year ago, then you must not have learned much in the last year” -Ray Dalio (Bridgewater Founder)
If you liked reading this post and gained something from it, please buy me a coffee by clicking the link below:
Mobility gives you wings. It gives you freedom, independence, and agency to move wherever you want to be and do whatever you want to do. I decided to write this post after driving my scooter for the first time. It was a different feeling altogether. That feeling can’t be expressed in words. It gave me freedom, ownership, and independence. Every woman should own a vehicle and it is very important for women to learn to drive. A general observation in and around you will show that most of the vehicles are owned by men. When your mobility is sorted, no one can control you. It makes you independent and gives you the agency to chart out your life. When you can take care of your mobility, you are not dependent on your spouse, children, or anyone else to move around. Maybe that’s why women are restricted or forbidden from driving in various countries and societies. They want to control women and don’t want to give them agency to live their lives on their own terms.
I also felt less vulnerable while driving than walking on the roads. Being a pedestrian, I suffered harassment on the streets multiple times but when I started driving my scooter, the harassment was less. Whenever you are in a strong position, people will hesitate to bother you.
Mobility has a big role to play in someone’s life and growth as a person. Public places are hostile to women. They face various kinds of challenges and harassment navigating the public place by walking or driving, or using the private and public transportation system. Many studies and anecdotal evidence expose the masculinity of public places. Most women feel unsafe and avoid being in public places to save themselves from sexual harassment and the toxic male gaze.
As per the data released from India’s first Time Use Survey, it was found that more than 53% of women had not stepped outside their homes the previous day. Only 38% of women in this age group reported stepping out of the home, compared to 88% of men. Marriage and children have a huge impact on women’s mobility and absolutely no impact on the mobility of men. Being married or living with a person is associated with reduced mobility for women but increased mobility for men.
I urge all ladies reading this post to learn to drive even if it’s a bicycle. Figure out a way to do that and your life will change. I am grateful that I finally learned to drive. देर आये दुरुस्त आये 🙂
If you liked reading this post or gained something from it, please buy me a coffee.
Calvin and Hobbes comic strip by Bill Watterson is a marvelous piece of creativity and imagination. It has many philosophical lessons in the mischievous conversation between Calvin and his imaginary tiger friend Hobbes. This comic strip makes you laugh, gives you insights about life and also discovers the beautiful relationships of friendship, growing up and the meaning of life. The special bond between Calvin and Hobbes makes it relatable for many of us. Calvin’s behaviour also reflects our inner child.
A fascinating part of the comic strip is its beautiful layout and hues of color. Bright yellow color, the picturesque landscape and Calvin and Hobbes’ expression makes you feel energized and smile while reading.
Ending this blog with some of the best lines by Calvin and Hobbes:
“The most common way people give their power is by thinking they don’t have any”
Alice Walker
“A feminist is someone who believes in social, political and economic equality of the sexes”.
It was easier to understand how discrimination against women exists in society than to realize how we ourselves undermine our own capabilities. Dealing with this self-awareness was more challenging than discrimination in general. I remember when I got my first job, from the first day itself, I was feeling guilty about not having enough time at home and not being able to manage the house better. This feeling was recurring when I moved from one job to another. I remember this one moment when I forced myself to come home early so that I could spend more time taking care of the home which was absurd. I could have spent this time networking with new people at the office or doing something else rather than unnecessarily worrying about my so-called responsibilities to take care of the house. I also skipped many office get-togethers, feeling that it would be a waste of time.
It was quite relatable and engaging to read Sheryl Sandberg’s book ‘Lean In: Women, Work and The Will to Lead’. Sheryl Sandberg served as the chief operating officer (COO) of Facebook for more than a decade. She raised her voice against the discriminatory practices at the company. She also founded two organisations called Lean In and Option B to help women achieve their ambitions and help companies build inclusive workplaces where women of all identities are supported and empowered.
Reading this book made me realise that what I used to feel is a universal feeling experienced by all women of the world. Talking to so many women colleagues made me understand that workplace discrimination is pervasive. Almost all the women accepted that they undermine their capabilities and fail to advocate for themselves. I have read many books that show systemic discrimination and stereotypes against women, but not every book discusses solutions to these problems. A majority of books dealt with the external obstacles that created hurdles in the path of women’s careers. However this book focuses on the “internal barriers” faced by women in their journey of career progression. Sheryl adds that these internal barriers hold us, women, back from looking for opportunities and dreaming big.
That’s where the book shows the path through which women can take charge and grow in this discriminatory man dominated world. Many would not agree with it but it made sense to me. We need to come forward and take on the challenge of balancing work and home without feeling guilty about anything. According to the author, Lean Inis a way to address the problem of lack of representation and discrimination against women at the workplace. It is totally acceptable that many institutional, political and policy changes are required to deal with the discrimination problem at a larger level. But we need to take the smaller steps. The author feels that we need to break free from that unknown fear and move forward.
She shows how despite having to face so much discrimination in the internal and external environment, women have to go extra miles to prove their capability and seriousness. Some of them are highlighted in the book:
Women have to prove themselves to a far greater extent than men have to do.
Women hold themselves back. They lower their expectations of what they can achieve. They put themselves down before others can. They consistently underestimate themselves leading to this strong feeling of ‘imposter syndrome’.
Women internalise the message that it’s wrong being outspoken, aggressive and more powerful than men.
Women are discouraged to take risks and advocate for themselves.
Women are disliked for not displaying the so called ‘appropriate behaviour’
Women are judged for doing it all when no one knows what’s going on in their mind and how they are constantly struggling and hustling to do everything imperfectly.
Women suffer not only discrimination and sexual harassment but also everyday blatant & subtle sexism.
Women are also looked down upon for managing everything and also made to feel guilty for not doing it perfectly.
The biggest take away of this book is that it makes the case for leaning in, for being ambitious in any pursuit. Though women are discouraged and disliked for being ambitious and taking risks, the author adds that career growth is mostly dependent upon taking risks and advocating for oneself. Because opportunities are rarely offered, they are seized. Women suffer from ‘tiara syndrome’ where they expect that if they keep doing their job well someone will notice them and place a tiara on their head. However, it doesn’t happen like that in the real world. Women need to advocate for themselves when their efforts are not recognised. Sheryl adds that not only do we need to take risks, prioritise growth, challenge ourselves but also ask for promotions with a smile on our faces. According to her, there are no perfect opportunities, we need to learn the skill to make any opportunities fit for us. To have a successful career plan, she suggests adopting two concurrent goals: a long-term dream and an 18-month plan.
The most insightful fact about this book is the idea of ‘Don’t leave before you leave’. Women don’t leave the workforce making one big decision but they make many small decisions and leave the workforce. One of the best examples she gives is about pregnancy. Generally all women start worrying about pregnancy long before even trying to conceive which hampers their career prospects. Sheryl feels that women should utilise the time to grow and lean in till the moment their child is not out of their womb. It made perfect sense to me. It’s like whatever time you got, you give your best shot, you work hard and achieve whatever you can so that when you come back after your pregnancy break you have a base on which you can restart your professional journey.
No one can have it all and whoever is claiming to have it all, is lying, says the author. The thing is that life is full of imperfections and flaws. It might look perfect to other people but it is never perfect. Women need to embrace the mess and keep going. Having a supportive partner can help in dealing with these things in a better way. It is a must for any working woman if she wants to excel in her professional life. If the partner shares responsibilities at home, it becomes easier for a woman to manage work and home both.
Very rightly she shares this whole idea of ‘fit in’ at the workplace. I can say this from my personal experience that people are appreciated for ‘fitting in’ and not for delivering good work. People were promoted and liked just because they were fitting in and they were sucking up to their bosses. Workplace bias is a reality. People are evaluated based on personal preferences. At the same time, the author feels that one must not inject gender into every conversation which makes people uncomfortable as well as brings a feeling that one is asking for special treatment. Rightly so, she shows how some women are also perpetrators of sexism because of internalised patriarchy and misogyny.
The only thing the book lacks is the idea to bring reform at a larger level through which every woman gets to understand all the biases and barriers they face internally. How can we bring systemic change to it? Until and unless things are not changed at a larger level, it will take years and years of hard work and effort to achieve gender equality and empowerment.
I am grateful that a colleague of mine gifted me this book recently. It’s fascinating to read this book at this point in my life when I am trying to make my career bit by bit and understand it from the perspective of a woman who worked in a male-dominated workplace. It feels so warm when women support each other which is not the general norm. Though it is not their fault because they also come from the same patriarchal environment.
Sheryl Sandberg is a brave woman who not only took various initiatives to change the system for the better but also showed a path to the upcoming generation. Her honest ordeal in the book makes it a must-read for all women out there. It will empower women to sit at the table, understand the myth of doing it all and why we should not leave before we actually leave the workplace.
If you liked reading this post or gained something from it, please buy me a coffee.
“It’s impossible to grow up as a woman in India without knowing what it is like to have to always seek permission to be yourself. Each of us, in our own way, often magnified by caste and class encounters resistance in finding self-acceptance, achievement, and affection.” (Excerpt from the Book)
The 90s were the time when Shah Rukh, Shaktiman, and cassettes ruled the world. My childhood was spent in the 90s and it was heavily influenced by Bollywood movies. Watching the Sunday matinee show on Doordarshan at 4 o’clock is one of my most fond memories. I was probably 5-6 years old along with my cousin. Both of us eagerly awaited 4 o’clock movies. We finished our homework before time so that we could watch movies in the evening. No matter what the weather was like outside, nothing could move us from our seats before the screen. The saddest part of our movie times were the power cuts which took place right before the movie’s climax.
Despite being scolded by our elders many times, we both ran for 1 kilometer to finish the movie’s climax. Doctor Saheb was an acquaintance of my grandmother, and he was quite wealthy for that area. He also owned a generator that would come on whenever there was a power failure. After the movie ended around 6:30 P.M., we both went home to enjoy a Sunday evening in a fantasy world away from reality. However, after we reached home, our Bua (Father’s sister) would beat and scold us. Occasionally, she would close the front door and not open it for at least two hours. We would wait for her to open it. The whole ordeal was repeated almost every Sunday. Wow, what memories!
I am sure you are wondering why I am telling you this story. The book I am about to discuss has the context of Bollywood films and how they have fascinated generations of Indians in their search for hope, freedom, and fantasy.
Shah Rukh Khan and Shrayana
“Desperately Seeking Shah Rukh: India’s lonely young women and the search for intimacy and independence” is written by Shrayana Bhattacharya. This book is the best example of the saying, “ don’t judge a book by its cover”. Like other people, initially, I ignored this book because of its title. However, after listening to the author Shrayana Bhattacharya on The Seen and the Unseen podcast, I immediately ordered this book and devoured it. It gave me perspective. I started observing all ladies around me and trying to piece their lives and how they are navigating and fighting with this world. The author is a young woman and economist at World Bank who also happens to be a zabra fan of the Bollywood super star-Mr. Shah Rukh Khan. She wrote this book motivated by her fandom for Shah Rukh and stories of ordinary women and her work as an economist to weave a fantastic story to understand what’s going on in the lives of ordinary Indian women and how they are dealing with the system of patriarchy.
I have found it to be one of the most insightful books I have read recently. I underlined almost every line. Each and every story of the woman in this book resonated with me. The frustration and relative deprivation of Vidya, the pains of The Accountant, the anxiety of Gold, the boredom of Manju, and most importantly, the author’s own story, all made sense to me. Whatever your educational and economic background, these stories show that women are discriminated against and made to feel inadequate and manipulated. It is all to serve the needs of the other half of humanity. The only difference was that the quality of this discrimination might have varied. Some of it was crude and visible, while others were refined and subtle. Then there is Mr. Shah Rukh Khan’s fan following. He helps these ordinary women bargain and survive the toxic patriarchy in their everyday lives through his movies and interviews. Shah Rukh’s fandom demonstrates their disappointment in society and its institutions which broke their hearts in different ways.
The lives of ordinary women
Reading this book made me more empathetic toward the lives of Indian women. It showed me how much struggle they are still going through irrespective of class, caste, or any other classification and how we women are also complicit in our own discrimination. Women are withdrawing from their jobs because not only do they have to face discrimination in their offices but also they are overburdened with the care and love which they need to provide for their families. Despite sacrificing their freedom to provide love and care to their family, women are feeling lonely and unloved. They are withdrawing from the workforce because of Sanskritisation effect where the increase in family’s income and status lead to more control of women’s body and their mobility to maintain the purity of their community and caste networks. Higher incomes allow family members to perform traditional upper-caste social rituals when women’s bodily honor is guarded strictly within the four walls of the home.
Women leaving the workforce
They leave the workforce because of an unfriendly and discouraging work environment where they are paid less as compared to their male counterparts plus they also have to deal with the male gaze. Marriage and child care act as a hurdle for women to take up jobs in India. In totality, family and society both make it so difficult for women to survive, take up a job, or stay single. We are taunted for whatever choices we make in our lives. In fact, they have a problem whenever we make any choices.
Feminism on Instagram
The author also highlights the discussions around feminism on Instagram. As per the author, real feminism is happening in the everyday lives of ordinary women and she does not have any radical story of resistance to share from the hinterlands of India. They are constantly navigating the patriarchy in their everyday lives which can never be seen on an elitist platform like Instagram. The story of Vidya from the book was so relatable that at one point I felt like vidya is speaking on my behalf. I have seen and worked with women who are very similar to Vidya’s that friend who finds faults in everything that Vidya does. They themselves are so rich and entitled but they judge women like us who have achieved something in their life coming from a normal background without any support and guidance.
In spite of not being able to relate to the heartbreak stories in the book because it has never happened to me, it was heartbreaking to know that women’s relationships, marriages, and love lives are bargained as commodities, and women are judged on the basis of their looks. Despite their different backgrounds, all of these women are fans of Mr. Khan. Seeing a superstar like this who respects and loves women provides them with a respite from oppressive patriarchal culture and discrimination. Many poor and working-class women display their fandom for Shah Rukh Khan or attend his movies in the theater to express themselves.
We need intimate revolutions
The beauty of this book lies in the fact that it also proposes ways to solve these problems for our country.
“Meaningful change in everyday life happens when we start to pratcise the views we profess. ….Only fools think we can rationalise, cancel, tweet, or march our way to a social revolution. Radical change needs oxygen from each one of us. We are required to practise what we retweet, to self-scrutinise, to incrementally partake in impossibly difficult conversations in our own everyday relationships. For people to move beyond people…………………real shifts in their private behaviour requires repeated and sustained intimate interpersonal dialogue in which discriminatory views are revealed and challenged.”
“Change will need good faith and generosity. Mindset is not enough, morality is embodied in how we demonstrate our liberal views in our daily encounters with people, places and our self. Without these intimate revolutions, the best laws and the strongest movements will fail. The realm of everyday intimacy is the true home of social change. It is where all our longing, self-loathing and biases are unveiled. This is the world of deeply private rebellions, within people & within relationships. No platform, no performance. It’s where the real battle is. And it’s got to be long and ugly.”
An answer to the most debated question on humanity can be found in this book. Exactly, what do women want? The answer will surprise you. Women want love, freedom, and respect in no particular order.
This is an unconventional book that tells us to change the way we work. It is filled with timeless wisdom. In spite of the book being written in 2010, whatever is written therein is still relevant and will continue to be useful even in the future. It is written in a straightforward style. This book can be finished in one day or even in three hours if nothing interrupts your reading.
Jason Fried and David Heinemeier Hansson, founders of 37 Signals, wrote this book. 37 Signals is a two-decade-old software company that is now known as Basecamp. The authors have shared practical insights in this book based on their own experiences of starting a company from scratch, operating on their own, hiring employees from all over the world, and handling crises as they arise.
In this book, you will find many inspirational lines that you can use in your life and work. These lines can be written on Post-it notes and stuck to your desk, so you can get a little inspiration every day. Here are a few of the best:
Be a starter
Scratch your own itch
No time is no excuse
You need less than you think
Start a business, not a startup
You need a commitment strategy, not an exit strategy
Be a curator
Interruption is the enemy of productivity
Meetings are toxic
Good enough is fine
Long lists don’t get done
Make tiny decisions
Focus on ‘You’ instead of ‘They’
Say ‘No’ by default
Welcome obscurity
Build an audience
Go behind the scenes
Show your flaws. Be vulnerable
Press releases are spam. Instead, call someone
Everything is marketing
Hire someone who can manage herself
Send people home at 5 PM
Sound like you
ASAP is poison
Please read this book and let me know what you think about it. If you have already read this book, please let me know your thoughts and experiences in the comments section.
If you liked reading this post, please buy me a coffee.
Stories have always been told from the perspective of the powerful. Most Indian mythologies glorify male characters. It is rare to find a female protagonist whose story of valor, sacrifice, or complexity of character has been told in mainstream work.
This very beautiful book, ‘The Forest of Enchantments’ tells the story of ‘Ramayana’ through its women who were an integral part of the story. Despite the book’s focus on Sita, it also tells the story of other women who suffered just as much, if not more, in this war between good and evil.
Sita’s story shows the vulnerability of being a woman and how she had to struggle to get respect and recognition for her capabilities. Essentially, the book deals with all human emotions, including love, passion, courage, jealousy, anger, and shame, while showing how these characters behave as normal human beings.
My favorite women from this story are Mandodari, Urmila, Kaushalya, Sarama, and of course SITA. However, we rarely know what their contributions were. Everyone knows what Lakshman did for his brother. Although he and Rama were exiled for 14 years, we do not know what his wife Urmila did for him. She had slept for 14 years so Lakshman would not have to sleep for his entire exile period.
Vibheeshan helped Rama conquer Lanka, but his wife Sarama sacrificed his son and protected Sita when she was being held as a captive in Lanka.
I loved this book for two reasons- first, it highlighted the stories of women I had never heard about, and second, it used beautiful and music-filled words that made me feel as if I were reading poetry. My mind created an image from the details in this book – I could see the forests, the palaces, the animals, and all the people that lived in this story.
Do read this book if you haven’t read it yet. If you have read this already, do let me know your thoughts about this in the comment section.
Let me tell you the story of my grandmother! I spent my childhood with her. I have seen her saving one rupee each day which led to huge savings later in her life. She did unbelievable things. She has a lot of patience. She believes in moving mountains even if she is old and sick. She never loses hope. She believes in the idea of compounding. Certainly, she does not understand the economics behind compounding. I have seen her converting hundreds into lakhs bit by bit. You must be thinking why I am telling you this? Recently, I saw a post about a book called, “The Psychology of Money” on Linkedin. This title made me curious and I decided to read this book. While I was reading this book, I realised that these pearls of wisdom on wealth and happiness were always there in front of my eyes. It usually goes unnoticed. The author of this book, Morgan Housel tells you those simple and obvious things about building wealth as Sherlock Holmes once said, ‘The world is full of obvious things which nobody by any chance ever observes.‘ It’s possible that we see these snippets in our daily life, but we never understood their significance of them.
Luck and risk
The book is divided into 20 chapters that take the reader from one timeless lesson to another about building wealth. As per the author, past experiences impact one’s behavior towards money. He believes that financial outcomes are driven by luck, independent of intelligence and effort. Luck and risk both play an important role in someone’s life. Outcomes are not only guided by individuals’ efforts but also by actions outside of our control. One of the best things to be said by the author is this: “Not all success is due to hard work and not all poverty is due to laziness” Therefore, he suggests keeping this thing in mind before judging people. Housel suggests having the virtue of contentment and not to risk what you have. According to him, there are many things that you should never risk. For instance- reputation and freedom, family and friends and happiness are some invaluable things that no one should ever risk in their life.
Things are uncertain and many times not dependent on historical factors. You should always be ready to face surprises in the financial market because no one clearly knows what might happen next. You must always give space to the room for error and be always ready to deal with unknowns. You should be ready to take risks but don’t take a risk that can wipe you from the world. Pessimism is so seductive and believable because setbacks happen too quickly to ignore. In comparison, progress happens too slowly to notice. Improvement is driven by compounding that always takes time. On similar lines, you should be ready to face losses in the financial market. Housel adds that true financial optimism is to expect things to be bad and be surprised when they are not. Nothing is free in life. Market returns are also never free. You should always be ready to lose some money and be ready to face the consequences. It’s like give and take. If the market gives you some returns, it also takes some back.
Compounding is the key
The most important concept discussed in this book is “compounding”. Time is the most powerful force in investing. The duration of investment matters. It takes time to accumulate funds. It makes little things to grow big and big mistakes fade away. However, our minds are not built to comprehend the enormous power of compounding. As I told earlier, I have seen compounding working in my own life. Once my grandmother bought something worth ten lakh rupees when she was earning only 10 thousand rupees per month. It looked totally absurd to me and I tried to stop her from buying something so expensive when her income is so less. But she told she will slowly make this payment. Still, I couldn’t believe it. I didn’t believe till the date she was able to complete the whole payment. So compounding works in a way that our mind is not ready to sense it.
Survival Mentality
“Staying wealthy is more important than getting wealthy”, says the author. Keeping your money safe and using it rationally is more important than getting more money. Nothing should be taken for granted. Investing requires taking risks, being optimistic, and putting yourself out there but keeping money requires humility, fear, and most importantly frugality. The ability to survive plays an important role in becoming wealthy and in creating happiness. The author adds that sticking around for a long time should be the cornerstone of anyone’s strategy in life. Growth takes time. Be it about money or in career. And growth requires surviving all the unpredictable ups and downs that everyone inevitably experiences over time. Applying a survival mindset means appreciating three things in life:
You need to have enough savings to survive any disruption, pandemic and chaos in your life.
Planning is important but the most important is to plan on the plan not going according to the plan.
You need to have sensible optimism.
Being in control of your life
The best wisdom shared in this book is about how money can give you the freedom to control your time. As the author adds that the highest form of wealth is the ability to wake up every morning and say, “I can do whatever I want today” The ability to do what you want, when you want, with who you want, for as long as you want is priceless. It is the highest dividend money pays. Being in control of your life makes you happy.
Savings are linked not to your income but your humility
Creating wealth has no direct relationship with the income you earn or the investment returns you get. It depends on the saving rate. Saving the money you have and exercising frugality are the ways to build wealth. I have seen this habit not only in my grandmother but also in other family members. They don’t throw old clothes, boxes, and many household stuff and re-use them many times. They don’t go out and spend money to experience things as the new generations want to do. They have their own justification. However, saving money is the only way to build wealth. Spending money is also linked with your ego. If you desire less, you can save more. Housel has something interesting to say about increasing your savings. If you want to increase your savings, raise your humility than your income.
Saving money is the gap between your ego and your income & your income and wealth is what you don’t see.
Acquiring material things is for self-satisfaction. No one gets impressed because of someone else’s possessions. In fact, people are impressed when someone possesses the qualities of humility, kindness, and empathy. Do not take any financial decisions because you are influenced by someone. Do not buy things because you just wanted to show off to someone. It is a total waste because people are influenced because of your good behavior and not because of your money, house, and the kind of stuff you own. In fact, it literally means that your real wealth is what that no one sees it. The author believes that ‘the only way to be wealthy is to not spend the money that you do have. It’s not just the only way to accumulate wealth, it’s the very definition of wealth.
The creation of wealth is linked to the psychology and behavior of the person. Saving money is like developing a good habit as James Clear shows in his book Atomic Habits. You don’t need a specific reason to save. Savings without a specific goal give you leverage to deal with unpredictable situations. It gives you flexibility and control of your time. The author also adds that you need to focus on being reasonable than rational because ultimately you are a human being who has emotions and feelings. You need to cut down on your expense but it does not mean that you stop living.
People change so do their goals in life
People’s desires and goals change so it is difficult to make long-term plans. The surprising thing is that people themselves don’t realise that how much they have changed in the past and how much they are going to change in the future. The author suggests keeping two things in mind whenever you are making a long-term decision. Firstly, you should avoid extreme ends of financial planning because people adapt to circumstances and the thrill of chasing dollars or living a simple life diminishes after a point. Secondly, you need to accept that things change and be ready to move on. The most beautiful thing author has to say is that you must have humility when things are going right and forgiveness & compassion when they go wrong. Because we never know what will happen and always be grateful for things that we have.
The crux of building wealth is to be humble, practice frugality and make saving your daily habit. Be a Ronald Read and not Richard Fuscone!
“Jahan Koyi apna Dafn na hua ho woh jagah apni nhi hua karti” [A person does not belong to a place until someone beloved is buried there]
Gabriel Garcia Marquez- One Hundred Years of Solitude
Reading the book, “Bread, Butter, and Cement” by Annie Zaidi, felt like a trip down memory lane. It made me nostalgic. It made me think of my roots, my identity, and my belongingness. The book is beautifully written and expressed. It feels like a slow cold breeze passing below your feet while you read this book but also makes you worry about the things happening in our country as to how our heritage and culture are being devoid of diversity.
Like Zaidi, I always wanted to own a place that I can call mine. Do I belong to a place or Do I want a place of my own? The first one is of course where my dada, dadi, and my ma lived their whole life. That place belongs to you where your ancestors have lived. If you see this in a larger context, it’s so difficult to imagine the lives of the people who were uprooted from their homeland because of partition, communal strife, or poverty and have had to move to a different place. The second one is that place that I am going to build/buy that is my own.
The title of the book intrigued me because what story could link three unconnected words: bread, butter, and cactus. It comes from the author’s childhood when she was living in the J K Puram colony. It was a colony for workers of the cement factory of the same name. Her mother was working as a principal in the school run for kids living in the colony. They moved to this unknown place so that her mother could provide ‘bread’ to her children. The author also describes the circumstances and situation prevailing in that colony and how the author wanted to escape the everyday ‘sameness’ of the place. The only life around was some cactus. There was nothing nearby and it almost felt like she was living on some island.
The book is neatly divided into nine chapters with unique and thoughtful names. Every chapter name has some hidden meaning. This book stands out because as it flows, the author shares her personal story while reflecting and interlinking the country’s socio-political events. For instance, I absolutely loved the chapter named ‘Gur, Imarati and Goons’ telling the story of Azamgarh in particular and eastern UP in general. ‘Listening to mother’ and ‘Place like Home’ are the two other beautiful chapters giving a beautiful perspective on how language is so important to feel the sense of belongingness and how creating your own home or having a home makes a lot of difference in your life. One of the lines from this chapter is fascinating: ‘Home is where suffering is shared out, like a bread, and or a three-seat bench shared by four’. The chapter on language is thoughtful and full of insights. It shows how much language diversity we have in our country and despite that, there is an imposition of one language on everyone. Hindi itself has around 49 variants.
Just finding out that the author’s hometown was Azamgarh which is also my hometown created a strong urge for me to read this book. Being a woman who belongs to the same district and also migrated to a different place and trying to create my own identity made me relate to the author’s feelings in this book. Just like the author of this book, ‘belonging had always been a fraught question for me’ because I also never lived at one place for long. Especially after my marriage, I moved to South India totally devoid of North Indian roots, culture, food, and the people. I am not sure where I belong.
I remember my first UPSC interview when they asked me about my hometown and I was trying to defend the reputation of my district as it has been stereotyped and demonised as a place linked to terrorism. I can say that even I was suffering from that bias otherwise there would be no need to defend. The author is also anguished about why a place of poetry, textile, and imarati has been stereotyped just because a section of minorities live there. It is sad. Even I agree with the author that this stereotyping isolates the minority community and also prevents the Hindu majority from taking pride in their regional identity. A couplet comes to mind after reading this:
“Sabhi ka khoon hai shaamil yahaan ki mitti Mein,Kisi ke baap ka Hindustan thodi hai” [Everybody’s blood is mixed into the earth here, Hindustan does not belong to anybody’s father]
Throughout the book, Zaidi shows concerns towards the marginalisation of minority communities with a special focus on Muslim communities. Being a Muslim and a woman, she has had to face a lot of questions and rejection. The socio-political climate of the country made her conscious of her identity. She was worried about what people will think or how they will behave if she wore a hijab/burqa.
This is the sad reality of this country. The recent findings of a three-year study on discrimination in housing, most cosmopolitan cities and neighborhoods continue to keep Muslims and Dalit out of their homes. Stereotyping and discrimination against Muslims and Dalits are rampant in our country. One of my close Muslim friends (I don’t want to disclose his identity), who is a writer and public policy expert tells me, ” I no more think India is my country and I want to move out from here as soon as I can”. Hearing this, I thought; where we have reached and what we have become as a nation.
“The ache for home lives in all of us.The safe place where we can go as we are and not be questioned”
Maya Angelou
The theme of this book is about home, identity, belonging, and most importantly about mitti (soil) of one’s birthplace. How absolutely nothing can replace the feeling of your roots. How this mitti or zameen as we call it, has ‘dual connotations’ that mean land and also a certain psychological feeling. It made me feel proud to know that the author traces her roots to eastern Uttar Pradesh. Generally, people from Uttar Pradesh who have relocated would rather not reveal their identity out of fear of being stereotyped.
Note: I created a draft of this blog last month but could not publish it because almost everyone in my family was sick. Finally, when I started feeling a bit better and things got stable at home, I completed this blog today.
If this post resonated with you, please buy me a coffee by clicking the link below:
In the end, it’s not the years in your life that count, It’s the life in your years.
Abraham Lincoln
Recently, I had this feeling of what next I should do. And then I decided to create a list of 50 things that I want to do before I die. When I was thinking about it, I had so many things in my mind and for a moment it felt like, life is like a -to-do list.
Out of curiosity I also asked others. I got different answers from everyone but the interesting thing was that no one told me that they want to study or appear for some exams rather most of the people added that they want to travel or do some adventure sports, create a small library, build their own home and do something for underprivileged. I don’t know what to feel about this. Here are my 50 things I want to do before I die:
Want to work for the Government of India
Help and guide 100 underprivileged students to appear for Civil Services Examination
Want to write two books: one non-fiction and another fiction
Want to work for GOOGLE and TWITTER(X)
Want to start my venture through which I can contribute to the society
Start a small café where people can come and hang out or just read some books. The café should be green, full of art and beauty
Do a degree from abroad
Give a speech to an audience of a hundred people
Visit all cities of India
Travel whole India by Train
Travel in a truck
Want to go on a road trip from Kashmir to Kanya kumari and from Gujarat to Arunachal Pradesh
Travel solo without any planning; just start from anywhere and go anywhere
Do something in the name of my Amma and Bade Papa
Sleep under the stars on a road or a mountain without any fear
Build a small cottage home in Dharmashala (Himachal Pradesh) and also make it a homestay for tourists
Climb Mount Everest
Volunteer at Golden Temple, Amritsar
Adopt an animal
Adopt a girl and provide 100 % funding for her education
Travel at least 100 countries of the world
Ride a bike and go on a trip
Learn a foreign language
Go on an island and stay there for a month without any outward communication and internet connection
Sleep on the Beach
Spend a night in a Tree House
Participate in Floating lantern activity in Thailand
Want to go horseback riding
Want to do zip-lining, sky-diving, scuba-diving, and paragliding
Go on a hot-air balloon ride
Want to participate in cycling
Want to have a nice romantic dinner with my spouse on the Eiffel Tower
Jump-off a cliff
Visit a chocolate factory
Make chocolate from scratch
Buy a Mercedes
Travel to Pakistan, Afghanistan, Nepal, Sri Lanka, Myanmar and Bhutan
Talk to a lot of strangers and write their stories
Volunteer for ‘clean river campaign’
Participate in road painting/road cleaning exercise
Plant 1000 trees
Do farming
Do something for my village located in Azamgarh district
Ride a bullet
Learn guitar
Go on a girls’ trip with some of my close friends
Create/Direct a documentary
Write at least 10,000 blogs before I die (This is my 93rd blog)
Read 10,000 books before I die
Stay in Varanasi and Sikkim for sometime
Only those who risk going too far can possibly find out how far they can go- T S Eliot
Image Source: Clicked by me from my rented house in Bangalore and we didn’t choose the house,house chose us. There is a story behind it. Will tell later 😉
This post is for all those people who sometimes feel a bit low because one of their friends is having a great time with her partner/spouse/best friend, cleared a top-level competition, got a high-paying job, having a great love-life or got selected to some Ivy League University or having a great time in their life. It seems that they always look good and they are quite fit or they are visiting exotic destinations(though not these days because of corona epidemic and lock down).
Almost everyone has a story to tell. Everyone feels incomplete in their own way. Everyone has some painful moments in their life. But you know what I feel, people feel more comfortable in sharing their happiness than their pain/sorrow or painful moments or their problems. You need a lot of courage to share your pain, your guilt and your problems to the world. I also don’t dare to share my pains but I can easily share my happiness.
So don’t worry. Don’t overthink. No one is perfect. No one is completely happy. As Oscar Wild said, “Be yourself, everyone else is taken”. Accept your flaws because they are beautiful. It makes you a soul. Lastly, have a lot of courage and strength to say what you think, to express what you feel, to do what you love and to become what you want as Ralph Waldo Emerson said, “To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment”.
Policy Wise 